i got that boom boom pow!

once upon a time, i took a math class wherein this "brilliant" teacher (attempted) to teach me how to save time by doing the problem right the first time and eliminate the need for a trial-and-error solution finding style. i failed that class. three times. not only am i really bad at math, i also kind of enjoy trial-and-error. okay, so it's not so fun when you're trying to solve some algebra equation (especially when there is a time limit and such) but, generally speaking it's kind of lovely. math failure aside, these last 26 years of my life have been like one big trial and error process. lots of errors. lots. i am happy to report that i have finally found my calling in life. before i tell you what it is, please bear in mind that i have searched far and wide to discover this particular path and am seeking genuine support from all my peeps (that's you, i hate the easter candy. gross.). okay, are you ready? really and truly ready for this epic revelation? if not, better not to read on. just turn off your computer, walk away, and return at some future time when you feel you are fully prepared to read this and follow through with your commitment to love and support me in my endeavors. didn't make that commitment you say? wrong. you should have read the fine print. well, here goes...
i
am
going
to
be
a
kickball
player
second baseman to be exact.
turns out, all those years watching my older brother play little league (while loathing the idea of participating myself) have finally paid off. i am on a pretty epic kickball team. yes, that's a real thing. i only committed to playing because a friend of mine asked me to. i figured, no matter how bad i am, i owe it to him to at least try. we have known each other for like 13 years, after all...so i gave it a go. i used to love to play kickball on the playground in elementary school, but that was a LONG time ago, and since then i have only played with children who are in elementary school. i'm pretty good against a bunch of third graders, but who isn't? so, i went into the whole thing knowing my skills were rudimentary and likely to be disappointing, and i told this to the team. the last thing i needed was for them to have unrealistic expectations about my athleticism. they assured me that it would be fine. i'm not sure they really grasped the gravity of the situation. have i mentioned that i'm really slow? i am. really slow. slow enough, in fact, that i was almost overtaken by the kicker behind me in the line-up while running bases. really slow. good news is, you don't have to be fast to play second base, you just have to be able to catch decently. now that i can do! i would like to take this opportunity to thank my older brother for being such a boy and forcing me to play catch with him in the back yard. also, for throwing stuff at me unexpectedly. reflexes are very important in kickball. i would like to extend my gratitude to my parents for enrolling me in dance classes as a child as well. for that, my friends, is where i developed these wicked kicking skills. and to my various choir teachers who helped me to develop this loud voice of mine, thank you for endowing me with the skills to effectively communicate with my teammates on the field. it seems my whole life has been building up to this very profession. now if only i could figure out how to get paid for it...