top ten signs you're not getting enough sleep

top ten signs you're not getting enough sleep

1. upon waking up you are unable to determine what day of the week it is
2. upon waking up you are unsure as to where, exactly, you are
3. waking up is an extremely trying experience
4. you wake up in a tizzie convinced that you are late for something (which may or may not be true).
5. you actually manage to forget to pour milk over your cereal and don't realize the mistake until you've already eaten a few bites
6. you made it through a portion of your day before realizing you only have makeup on half of your face
7. you've read 5 or more books in the past 2 weeks
8. you find yourself sleeping standing up. in the shower.
9. you can't remember if you did any of these things today
10. you are a mom

i find myself unable to appropriately title this post

you guys. i don't even know where to start. first of all, let me just point out that for the third night this week i have stayed up way too late crying over a book (the fourth book i've finished in the past seven days. maybe i should get out more...). i do that a lot actually. i sometimes worry that i am more emotionally invested in the lives of fictional characters than i am in my own. i should probably work on that.

but, have you ever finished a book and immediately want to turn back to the beginning and read it again? it doesn't happen super often, but when it happens it is a deep and profound experience. i mean, there is a sort of hierarchy of books. it goes something like this:

level one: books that exist, but you really aren't sure why. they are terrible and you would probably never even finish one of these books unless it is (for some indiscernible reason) required for a class or something. i hate these books with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. i also hate the teachers/professors who turn them into reading assignments. evil.

level two: books that are not great. books that aren't even good. books that actually kinda suck, but you power through them because you keep hoping they'll get better (which, of course, they don't) and when you're done you basically regret the decision to ever have started and you definitely regret all the time you put in to actually reading them. these books fill me with rage.

level three: books that don't suck. books that you genuinely enjoy in the moment, but which are thoroughly forgettable and rarely discussed. there is nothing actually wrong with them, but there isn't anything really right with them either. their okay, and that's okay.

level four: here you will find books that are more than just not bad but which are actually books quite good. these are books that you might recommend to a friend with similar taste or something. these are books that make you glad that books exist

level five: really, really good books. books that you recommend to a lot of people even if you have no idea what kind of books they like because you are sure they will like these books-or at least not hate them. these are books you revisit from time to time because you kind of miss them. these are books that fundamentally change the way you think about books.

level six: really, really, super incredibly awesome books. these are the books that you recommend to everyone. i mean, EVERYONE. these are the books that fundamentally change the way you look at everything. these are the books you read over and over and over again because there a sort of void in your life when these characters are not a part of it. it is as if they become a part of you in some way and even though it makes no sense, it is as if you become a part of them.

so, somewhere in this hierarchy of books lies every book you've ever read, and every book you haven't read, and every book that you have yet to read. every. one. and though you genuinely hope that every book you read will be a level six book, you know that is a ridiculously unrealistic hope. so, you attempt to avoid, but sometimes succumb to the ones and twos, tolerate the threes and fours and embrace the fives when you can. and, on the exceedingly rare occasion that you find a six, you glory in it. you revel in it. you finish it. GAH! it's over! now what?! i mean, it's not like life will ever be the same again (except, you know, it totally is. especially since this transformative experience was had by you and you alone). so you have the urge to turn back to the beginning and start reading again.

gosh, i love those books.

anyway, the whole point of this post was to tell you that i just read the most incredible book.

okay, so i know i'm a little late to the party with this incredible revelation, but seriously, it is SOOOOO GOOD!!!! brace yourselves, here come the recommendation...read it.

yes, that's all i'm going to say about it. just read it. oh, and if by some minuscule chance you don't actually love it the way i love it, don't tell me you don't love it because it might just break my heart if you do.

Coincidence? I think not...

Random fact of the day:
The symbol for pound (at least in the U.S.) is lb. This symbol comes from an abbreviation of the constellation Libra which is a scale.

My initials are LB and I am a Libra.

I am destined to be a fatty (or something)...

freaky friday

so, remember that time when i told you all about the pain i was having in my back? well, the pain persisted and despite my best efforts-including but not limited to visits to 2 MDs, 2 chiropractors, a massage therapist, a neurologist, an acupuncturist and a physical therapist (right up until my insurance wouldn't pay for any more appointments)-i am now scheduled to have the offending part surgically removed. on friday the thirteenth. 

guys, i'm nervous. the idea of having surgery of any sort freaks me out and surgery on my spine really freaks me out. there is some important stuff in there and i would really, really like it all to stay intact. you know, except that bit that shouldn't be there-i.e. the reason for the surgery. even though i know that my surgeon is one of the best, having a major procedure on friday the thirteenth is just a terrible idea. if i see a black cat i'm staying home.

p.s. did i mention that my neighbor has a black cat that likes to sleep on my doorstep? every time i open my front door, there it is, staring at me like a genuine creeper. not cool.

and i'm like....

sometimes life gets ahead of me. sometimes i get really overwhelmed and i'm like

but only sometimes

an outing with auntie lindsay

i had the chance to re-establish myself as the world's best aunt recently. i took my niece out to eat and then to the park for some fun and finished the day off with with a little art making. i didn't manage to get any pictures of the art, but we had a genuinely fantastic time!

the mysteries of the universe explained by a 15 year old boy

yesterday one of my teens told me that dryer lint is just the remains of my socks that were stolen by trolls. i didn't even know dryers had trolls. i hope mine is the troll from the 3 billy goats gruff, since  he's dead and all...

oops. did i spoil the story for you? my bad...

getting to know you...

well, getting to know me actually. i'm about to turn 30, (i don't feel 30. usually i feel more like a 20 year old, but then i hang out with 20 year olds and i'm like "no, i'm definitely 30.") so i put together a list of 30 things you may or may not know about me:

1. i think cats are super creepy and i want absolutely nothing to do with them. i am quite convinced that if they ever developed opposable thumbs they could eliminate the human opposition and take over the world. cats are basically serial killers as it is.
2. napoleon dynamite pictionary is pretty much my favorite game to play at work.
3. oh yeah, i totally get payed to play games and stuff. be jealous.
4. my favorite snow cone flavor is tiger's blood.
5. i think superman is the best looking superhero. scratch that. i think clark kent is the best looking superhero alter ego. superman wears entirely too much spandex and his hair is basically glued in place. gross.
6. i don't like skittles. i'm told that's strange. whatever.
7. i also don't like cake, in any incarnation. for some reason people find this upsetting, but i'm like "what's the big deal? if i don't eat any that leaves more for you." duh.
8. there is a card game in existence called "lindsay's awesome." it's named after me. i have no idea how to play, but that doesn't even bother me because, c'mon, it's named after me.
9. i regularly appear in public sans makeup. i'd so much rather sleep for 5 extra minutes.
10. i kind of hate driving. partly because i drive this thing, and partly because i'd just prefer to sit in the passenger seat.
11. i am the world's worst decision maker. actually, that honor might belong to my father, but i'm close. i hate making decisions. i waffle for hours, days, weeks even. it's a genuine handicap.
12. i'm a jelly bean racist. i only like the white ones.
13. when i was a kid, my favorite movie was newsies. my siblings and i watched it often enough to ruin the tape (yeah, this was in the days when we watched movies on vhs. i'm old, whatever.). my sister and i actually learned the choreography to most of the dance numbers. you might think this is sad and pathetic, but i disagree. it. was. awesome.
14. i love, love, love the smell of campfires.
15. i just learned to drive stick this spring. i'm still pretty terrible at it. i'm also not sure i care.
16. my feet are perpetually cold.
17. i think snow is magical.
18. i don't like cinnamon flavored (or scented) anything. it doesn't actually taste (or smell) like cinnamon. that box of hot tamales is just a box of lies.
19. i am an art lover in general, but i really don't care for the impressionists. i loved van gogh least of all until i saw this episode of doctor who. 
20. i am a whovian. don't judge.
21. i wish i had a fireplace so i could cozy up in front of it and drink apple cider (or hot chocolate) and read a book on a crisp fall day or in the dead of winter.
22. i also wish i had someone to cozy up with. that would be ideal. i'm cool on my own too though.
23. i love avocados. they are delicious and i relish any opportunity to eat them. unless you mess them up by making guacamole with bits of other stuff mixed in.
24. i am a terrible procrastinator. and by that, of course, i mean that i am extremely good at it.
25. i really enjoy naps. i would take one every day if i could.
26. i kind of looked like yoda as a baby. my ears were a little pointy and i was bald until i was about 3.
27. my hair still grows really slowly.
28. i love brushing my teeth. well, that's not strictly true. it's not so much that i love brushing my teeth as it is that i love when my teeth are clean, which means i also enjoy a visit to the dentist.
29. i have a tiny disco ball hanging in my kitchen. i don't know why i decided it should live there. i don't even know where it came from in the first place. i honestly don't even care. i like it, so it's there.
30. my birthday is in 5 days!!!!!

oh dear, what can the matter be?

dear mr. ambiguous,
rumor has it you're engaged. that's not ambiguous. i guess i need a new name for you. also, congratulations.
sincerely,
no longer confused

dear nemesis,
you've been unusually nice to me lately and it's weird. i don't know how to respond to it, but i guess i appreciate it. maybe. actually, i'm not totally sure how i feel about it. i'll get back to you on this. also, i'm never joining the dark side.
sincerely,
devil woman

dear mr. angry eyes,
your eyes aren't all that angry anymore. what am i supposed to do with that?
sincerely,
the girl who now has to come up with a new name for you

dear bram,
i know i said i was gonna get over you, but you are making that EXTREMELY difficult! i'm sure it will happen at some point, but, in the meantime, i really enjoy our conversations.
sincerely,
twitterpated

dear frolfer,
turns out, i'm really bad at dating. i don't know what i'm doing and i get super awkward. you were the unfortunate recipient of my awkwardness. i'm sorry. but i really did have a good time, so thanks for that. if you ever decide to look past my debilitating awkwardness i would totally be up for another date. i promise to be less weird.
sincerly,
the most awkward dater on the planet

dear tattoos,
you're to young and too short for me anyway. that sounds harsh. i'm not saying your age and/or height are a bad thing, they just put you solidly outside the ideal dating range. besides, you found someone else who is both younger and shorter than me. i feel like that's a better match. good on ya.
sincerely,
the jolly green giant

with a song in my heart

have you ever looked up the song that was number one on your birthday? according to legend (aka 12 year old girls) the song that was number one on your birthday is an accurate prediction for you life (the same way MASH is an accurate fortune teller). i hope that isn't true because if it is, things aren't looking good for me. if you want to play along, you can do so here then leave me a comment letting me know what your song is!

since i'm turning 30 in 7 days (seriously?! i'm only a week away from my thirties?! when did i become an adult and how do i make it stop?) i thought it would be fun to make a playlist of all the songs sitting at the number one spot on all of my birthdays, because, hey, why not? so here it is, thirty songs that were #1 on my birthday:

1983: bonnie tyler, total eclipse of the heart (have you seen this video? it's hilarious!)
1984: prince, let's go crazy
1985: dire straits, money for nothing
1986: huey lewis and the news, stuck with you
1987: whitney houston, didn't we almost have it all
1988: bobby mcferrin, don't worry be happy
1989: janet jackson, miss you much
1990: maxi priest, close to you
1991: marky mark and the funky bunch, good vibrations
1992: boyz II men, end of the road
1993: mariah carey, dreamlover
1994: boyz II men, i'll make love to you
1995: mariah carey, fantasy
1996: los del rio, macarena
1997: boyz II men, 4 seasons of loneliness
1998: monica, the first night
1999: tlc, unpretty
2000: madonna, music
2001: alicia keys, fallin'
2002: kelly clarkson, a moment like this
2003: beyonce (featuring sean paul), baby boy
2004: ciara (featuring petey pablo), goodies
2005: kanye west (featuring jamie foxx), gold digger
2006: justin timberlake, sexyback
2007: soulja boy, crank that
2008: t.i., whatever you like
2009: black eyed peas, i gotta feeling
2010: bruno mars, just the way you are
2011: maroon 5 (featuring christina aguilera), moves like jagger
2012: maroon 5, one more night
2013: hasn't happened yet, but today the number one song is wrecking ball by miley cyrus. i hope it changes in the next week (although, truth be told, i don't like any of the songs in the top ten at the moment)

okay, first of all, my birthday has some really terrible number ones. boo. second of all, how did i live through NKOTB, BSB, NSYNC, 98* etc and none of them make an appearance on this list? boyz II men is on here 3 times and no one else makes the cut? weird.