oh dear, what can the matter be?

dear mr. ambiguous,
rumor has it you're engaged. that's not ambiguous. i guess i need a new name for you. also, congratulations.
sincerely,
no longer confused

dear nemesis,
you've been unusually nice to me lately and it's weird. i don't know how to respond to it, but i guess i appreciate it. maybe. actually, i'm not totally sure how i feel about it. i'll get back to you on this. also, i'm never joining the dark side.
sincerely,
devil woman

dear mr. angry eyes,
your eyes aren't all that angry anymore. what am i supposed to do with that?
sincerely,
the girl who now has to come up with a new name for you

dear bram,
i know i said i was gonna get over you, but you are making that EXTREMELY difficult! i'm sure it will happen at some point, but, in the meantime, i really enjoy our conversations.
sincerely,
twitterpated

dear frolfer,
turns out, i'm really bad at dating. i don't know what i'm doing and i get super awkward. you were the unfortunate recipient of my awkwardness. i'm sorry. but i really did have a good time, so thanks for that. if you ever decide to look past my debilitating awkwardness i would totally be up for another date. i promise to be less weird.
sincerly,
the most awkward dater on the planet

dear tattoos,
you're to young and too short for me anyway. that sounds harsh. i'm not saying your age and/or height are a bad thing, they just put you solidly outside the ideal dating range. besides, you found someone else who is both younger and shorter than me. i feel like that's a better match. good on ya.
sincerely,
the jolly green giant