the mysteries of the universe explained by a 15 year old boy

yesterday one of my teens told me that dryer lint is just the remains of my socks that were stolen by trolls. i didn't even know dryers had trolls. i hope mine is the troll from the 3 billy goats gruff, since  he's dead and all...

oops. did i spoil the story for you? my bad...

getting to know you...

well, getting to know me actually. i'm about to turn 30, (i don't feel 30. usually i feel more like a 20 year old, but then i hang out with 20 year olds and i'm like "no, i'm definitely 30.") so i put together a list of 30 things you may or may not know about me:

1. i think cats are super creepy and i want absolutely nothing to do with them. i am quite convinced that if they ever developed opposable thumbs they could eliminate the human opposition and take over the world. cats are basically serial killers as it is.
2. napoleon dynamite pictionary is pretty much my favorite game to play at work.
3. oh yeah, i totally get payed to play games and stuff. be jealous.
4. my favorite snow cone flavor is tiger's blood.
5. i think superman is the best looking superhero. scratch that. i think clark kent is the best looking superhero alter ego. superman wears entirely too much spandex and his hair is basically glued in place. gross.
6. i don't like skittles. i'm told that's strange. whatever.
7. i also don't like cake, in any incarnation. for some reason people find this upsetting, but i'm like "what's the big deal? if i don't eat any that leaves more for you." duh.
8. there is a card game in existence called "lindsay's awesome." it's named after me. i have no idea how to play, but that doesn't even bother me because, c'mon, it's named after me.
9. i regularly appear in public sans makeup. i'd so much rather sleep for 5 extra minutes.
10. i kind of hate driving. partly because i drive this thing, and partly because i'd just prefer to sit in the passenger seat.
11. i am the world's worst decision maker. actually, that honor might belong to my father, but i'm close. i hate making decisions. i waffle for hours, days, weeks even. it's a genuine handicap.
12. i'm a jelly bean racist. i only like the white ones.
13. when i was a kid, my favorite movie was newsies. my siblings and i watched it often enough to ruin the tape (yeah, this was in the days when we watched movies on vhs. i'm old, whatever.). my sister and i actually learned the choreography to most of the dance numbers. you might think this is sad and pathetic, but i disagree. it. was. awesome.
14. i love, love, love the smell of campfires.
15. i just learned to drive stick this spring. i'm still pretty terrible at it. i'm also not sure i care.
16. my feet are perpetually cold.
17. i think snow is magical.
18. i don't like cinnamon flavored (or scented) anything. it doesn't actually taste (or smell) like cinnamon. that box of hot tamales is just a box of lies.
19. i am an art lover in general, but i really don't care for the impressionists. i loved van gogh least of all until i saw this episode of doctor who. 
20. i am a whovian. don't judge.
21. i wish i had a fireplace so i could cozy up in front of it and drink apple cider (or hot chocolate) and read a book on a crisp fall day or in the dead of winter.
22. i also wish i had someone to cozy up with. that would be ideal. i'm cool on my own too though.
23. i love avocados. they are delicious and i relish any opportunity to eat them. unless you mess them up by making guacamole with bits of other stuff mixed in.
24. i am a terrible procrastinator. and by that, of course, i mean that i am extremely good at it.
25. i really enjoy naps. i would take one every day if i could.
26. i kind of looked like yoda as a baby. my ears were a little pointy and i was bald until i was about 3.
27. my hair still grows really slowly.
28. i love brushing my teeth. well, that's not strictly true. it's not so much that i love brushing my teeth as it is that i love when my teeth are clean, which means i also enjoy a visit to the dentist.
29. i have a tiny disco ball hanging in my kitchen. i don't know why i decided it should live there. i don't even know where it came from in the first place. i honestly don't even care. i like it, so it's there.
30. my birthday is in 5 days!!!!!

oh dear, what can the matter be?

dear mr. ambiguous,
rumor has it you're engaged. that's not ambiguous. i guess i need a new name for you. also, congratulations.
sincerely,
no longer confused

dear nemesis,
you've been unusually nice to me lately and it's weird. i don't know how to respond to it, but i guess i appreciate it. maybe. actually, i'm not totally sure how i feel about it. i'll get back to you on this. also, i'm never joining the dark side.
sincerely,
devil woman

dear mr. angry eyes,
your eyes aren't all that angry anymore. what am i supposed to do with that?
sincerely,
the girl who now has to come up with a new name for you

dear bram,
i know i said i was gonna get over you, but you are making that EXTREMELY difficult! i'm sure it will happen at some point, but, in the meantime, i really enjoy our conversations.
sincerely,
twitterpated

dear frolfer,
turns out, i'm really bad at dating. i don't know what i'm doing and i get super awkward. you were the unfortunate recipient of my awkwardness. i'm sorry. but i really did have a good time, so thanks for that. if you ever decide to look past my debilitating awkwardness i would totally be up for another date. i promise to be less weird.
sincerly,
the most awkward dater on the planet

dear tattoos,
you're to young and too short for me anyway. that sounds harsh. i'm not saying your age and/or height are a bad thing, they just put you solidly outside the ideal dating range. besides, you found someone else who is both younger and shorter than me. i feel like that's a better match. good on ya.
sincerely,
the jolly green giant

with a song in my heart

have you ever looked up the song that was number one on your birthday? according to legend (aka 12 year old girls) the song that was number one on your birthday is an accurate prediction for you life (the same way MASH is an accurate fortune teller). i hope that isn't true because if it is, things aren't looking good for me. if you want to play along, you can do so here then leave me a comment letting me know what your song is!

since i'm turning 30 in 7 days (seriously?! i'm only a week away from my thirties?! when did i become an adult and how do i make it stop?) i thought it would be fun to make a playlist of all the songs sitting at the number one spot on all of my birthdays, because, hey, why not? so here it is, thirty songs that were #1 on my birthday:

1983: bonnie tyler, total eclipse of the heart (have you seen this video? it's hilarious!)
1984: prince, let's go crazy
1985: dire straits, money for nothing
1986: huey lewis and the news, stuck with you
1987: whitney houston, didn't we almost have it all
1988: bobby mcferrin, don't worry be happy
1989: janet jackson, miss you much
1990: maxi priest, close to you
1991: marky mark and the funky bunch, good vibrations
1992: boyz II men, end of the road
1993: mariah carey, dreamlover
1994: boyz II men, i'll make love to you
1995: mariah carey, fantasy
1996: los del rio, macarena
1997: boyz II men, 4 seasons of loneliness
1998: monica, the first night
1999: tlc, unpretty
2000: madonna, music
2001: alicia keys, fallin'
2002: kelly clarkson, a moment like this
2003: beyonce (featuring sean paul), baby boy
2004: ciara (featuring petey pablo), goodies
2005: kanye west (featuring jamie foxx), gold digger
2006: justin timberlake, sexyback
2007: soulja boy, crank that
2008: t.i., whatever you like
2009: black eyed peas, i gotta feeling
2010: bruno mars, just the way you are
2011: maroon 5 (featuring christina aguilera), moves like jagger
2012: maroon 5, one more night
2013: hasn't happened yet, but today the number one song is wrecking ball by miley cyrus. i hope it changes in the next week (although, truth be told, i don't like any of the songs in the top ten at the moment)

okay, first of all, my birthday has some really terrible number ones. boo. second of all, how did i live through NKOTB, BSB, NSYNC, 98* etc and none of them make an appearance on this list? boyz II men is on here 3 times and no one else makes the cut? weird.

these are a few of my favorite things

not my favorite song from not my favorite movie/musical, but it seems fitting for this particular post.
in honor of my 30th birthday (um, when did i get so old?) i've compiled a list of my 30 favorite things. gosh this was a tough one. only 30 things? brutal. so when i say 30 favorite, what i mean is the first 30 things that popped into my head when i thought of my favorite things. in no particular order. and just in case you haven't gotten me a gift yet, you have 8 days and maybe you can find some inspiration here.

1. my nieces and nephews
2. pajamas/sweatpants
3. the cold spot in the sheets
4. shaved legs (but not shaving)
5. grilled cheese sandwiches
6. salted fruit
7. brushing my teeth
8. painted toe-nails
9. singing along to the radio
10. phone calls from my booger
11. otter pops and fudgcicles (it's a tie)
12. photographs
13. boys who sing
14. camping
15. cooking
16. reading
17. trees
18. walking barefoot in the grass. Or sand. Or anywhere
19. 12:01 parties
20. the jukebox at merritt’s
21. board games
22. road trips
23. snail mail
24. volleyball
25. air conditioning
26. laughing out loud
27. pie
28. cool, crisp fall days
29. hoodies
30. my birthday!

oh, and in case you were wondering, this is my favorite song from the sound of music :

the time i cleaned my car

or...the time i discovered that i am, indeed, a disgusting slob.

part of me thinks i should just pretend i never made this discovery and that i certainly shouldn't share it with anyone, but then i realized that if i don't, nothing will ever change and i will simply continue in my repulsiveness. is that even a word? spellcheck isn't disagreeing so i'm gonna roll with it. the point is, i'm gross and the atrocities that i just pulled out of the back seat of my car attest to it.

before you scroll down any further, let me just say that i do not, in fact, live in my car. i have an apartment and i typically keep it fairly clean and generally organized. i mean, i live here, okay, and while i'm not perfect i try to keep things liveable. i regularly shunt my hoarding tendencies with a nice binge clean and then live peaceable for a few months before repeating the process. clearly, this attitude does not apply to my car. maybe it's because i don't spend as much time there or maybe it's because i spend too much time there, but i like to think it's because my car is old and ugly and generally unpleasant on the outside, so i tend care far less about how it looks on the inside. see:

 poop. brown.

 this is the trunk that leaks in the rain 

this is where my grandma rear ended me (oops)

this is the door that doesn't close all the way, and the window that doesn't roll down.

i'm telling you, it's only partly my fault. in any case it was OUT. OF. CONTROL!

so here it is, in all it's awful glory, the contents of the back seat of my car (brace yourselves):

okay, so the trash bag was empty when i pulled it out of the car (yes, there was a box of trash bags in my car. you never know when you might need to clean something up or dispose of a body...), but i definitely filled it right on up with refuse from the backseat.

turns out, my car is super spacious. the most interesting finds? 

these car keys that don't belong to me

about a hundred jingle bells

supplies for an impromptu game night

handcuffs (for the body before it's dead...)

at least i won't starve if i'm ever stranded in the middle of nowhere (like if i run out of gas after dumping the body)

also- 6 ugly Christmas sweaters, about 12 boxes of valentines, a tennis racket, various dishes, 3 textbooks i never got around to selling back, 2 pairs of socks, a t-shirt i've been searching out for the past year, 2 coats and a snuggie (definitely not freezing while stranded), 3 inner tubes (????), aluminum foil (to pack up any leftovers i might have while stranded), and 9 seed packets (so i can grow food to eat while stranded).

i told you. i'm a disgusting slob and now you all know it. the good news is, i am determined to change my ways. please, if any of you see me regressing, please remind me of this occasion and knock some sense into me. use force if necessary. not too much though, i will fight back if i feel threatened.

above average

i read somewhere that, on average, a woman already knows if there is any potential for a long term relationship after 34 minutes of conversation. i've always been a little above average so i'm pretty sure i can tell after about 8 minutes. now, if only i could convince the man...

dear boys (complete with pictures)

okay, maybe pictures was misleading. graphics would probably have been more accurate, but whatever.

dear boys (yes, all of you),
my attraction to you is directly proportionate to your height. within reason.

i don't know what else to tell you here. be tall, the end.

love,

me

dear boys (yes, all of you),

there is a direct link between your age and my attraction to you as well

fyi, this will change in direct proportion to my age, so getting older won't help you unless it happens overnight. good luck with that.

love,

me

dear boys who fit into the prime attraction window,

it occurs to me that there are a myriad of reasons you are not asking me out, but just in case one of those reasons is that you think i'm busy, let me assure you, i am not.

see? solid proof that i have almost nothing going on in my life. feel free to change that.

love,

me

dear boys who don't fit into the prime attraction window,

i have some friends who would love to meet you.

love, me

30 by 30 update

so, my thirtieth birthday is coming up. like fast. weird. anyway, i figured i ought to share an update on my 30 by 30 list. sadly, i have been unable to fully complete the list, but i made some good progress and, in my defense, i was injured for the last 7 months and unable to do some of them. i know that sounds like a lame excuse, and maybe it is, but i'm kind of okay with that. on that note, if you happen to be equipped to help with any of these in the next 3 weeks that would be awesome.
for your viewing pleasure i have highlighted changes in red.

1. ride in a hot air balloon
2. complete a triathlon (not yet, but i did a biathlon with my sister. i think that should count.)
3. run the race to robie creek (check)
4. live alone (check)
5. write a book
6. learn to surf
7. snowboard
8. have an epic food fight (check and check)
9. attend the world championship porcupine races (check)
10. go scuba diving
11. kayak
12. learn to drive stick (check. sort of. i still suck at it, but at least i know how, right?)
13. water ski
14. sing on stage (check)
15. eat on a rooftop
16. sell a piece of art
17. go rock climbing
18. travel to a foreign country
19. read the book of mormon from start to finish (check)
20. cartwheel across a city street
21. watch a sunset and stay up for the sunrise
22. complete the rory gilmore reading list
23. be a better person (a work in progress) 
24. be on jeopardy
25. go snorkeling (check)
26. visit new york (check)
27. be awesome (check)
28. fall in love (check)
29. learn to play an instrument
30. attend the festival of colors (check)